Things have not gone better since my last post. I'm depressed, anxious, and overworked. When things in life don't go so great I turn to starving or to bingeing and purging and lately, as you might notice, things have not gone so great. I starved and people worried so I began to eat which of course lead to overeating and purging. And then, after 7 years struggling on and off with this eating disorder, all hell broke loose and I hit an all time new low. I starved for as long as I could, ingested massive amounts of foods every time I finally decided to eat in front of people and of course spent hours purging and taking laxatives to the point where my stomach is a mess and it burns constantly, I'm purging blood (and not because of small scratches) and I just feel like a total wreck...

As usual, I was doing a great job at hiding it and being your perfect text book girl with an eating disorder. Of course people noticed the weight loss but I blamed it on stress. I should've known my mother was watching me more closely.

Today she finally got the proof she needed. I don't even want to know what this happened but she knows about my purging last night (probably the bitchy maid told on me again). I seriously don't want to deal with her but she said that I have to do SOMETHING or else she'll send me to a clinic!! Whaaaaat? There is no way I'm doing that. The thing now is that if I don't want that to happen I have to tell her what I'm going to do about it. And I have no fucking idea. I've seen therapists and nutritionists a bunch of times and I usually follow their advice at first but every time it's only a matter of weeks or months before something triggers this whole thing again.

So what to do? Don't get me wrong, I still hate the way I look and wish I could be just a bit thinner (I'm nearly at the weight I want to be) but I can't keep hurting and messing myself up like this. I wonder if I should see this as the opportunity to do something about it. But what?

Needless to say that any comments and suggestions would be incredibly appreciated right now, I just feel so lost and I know many of you can relate so I really hope some of you can help me out.

Take care!

It's always the same. After a little while of people telling you that you are looking too thin you start to believe it. And of course, that means that when you sit down to eat with them you actually believe that you can eat a normal meal and everything will be ok.
But of course, after 7 years with an eating disorder, it never works out like that.

I had dinner with my parents and this normal meal led to overeating and eventually to a gross binge. I was just going to go to sleep like that but I couldn't, I felt so full it was sickening and I just had to purge. It was just such a relief. However, after over a month without doing it I feel incredibly guilty, I can't be this weak.

So I screwed up but I took care of it. After purging and taking laxies I'm desperate for a good night's sleep. Then tomorrow I can go back to being that girl who barely eats and everyone worries about so that I can keep losing this damn weight.